temeridad

Excerpt from CLEAN detox program from goop.com

i was at bootcamp with my instructor Tracy and one other Bootcamper. we were between the de Young and the Academy of Sciences. the de Young is showing King Tut. a group of folks started gathering near us and the group grew and grew. there must have been at least 100. Tracy commented on how they didn’t look as though they came from one particular place and certainly not from SF because they had on sandals and shorts but of all kinds. i said, “i bet they don’t have ‘toot-in-common’.

while walking Nina this morning out at Fort Funston i passed an asian guy talking on his cell phone. i overheard him say, “she was walking down the sidewalk and saw a black kid coming her way. she crossed the street. that’s normal. that’s not racists. if you saw a wolf coming down the street toward you what would YOU do?”.

power

Originally uploaded by sawyers_kevin

all
these
lines
leading
.

here i am just a two weeks after the death of my mother trying to come up with some way to tell a bit of the story of her. what a silly thing to even imagine. i know i could only capture a vapor of what she was with my words. knowing this i’ll simply try to express what happened in the later part of her life and her final hours.
almost 15 years ago my mother began to notice the onset of arthritis. she soon learned she had debilitating rheumatoid arthritis. it spread quickly through her body and within months she was crippled. over a few years she went from a fully functioning healthy woman to a woman whose body was mangled and wrenched with pain and decaying joints. through the pain and suffering my mother never complained. she was always a positive and uplifting influence in the lives of every person she encountered. i would have flung myself from a bridge early on had i been in the same circumstance. she carried on with her christian spirit like a true soldier for God. many have an idea of what christian means based on the many false representations in the public eye today but when you seek the true definition of “christian” you will surely find a definition of my mother. she lived in the spirit and love of Jesus Christ. this offered her comfort in her pain and eventually comfort in her death. about a month ago i went back to North Carolina to visit her and the rest of my family. while there my mother told me if she were not there the next time i came she would be in a better place. she had fought the good fight. she had suffered through and accepted what life/God had put on her to suffer for whatever reason there was and now she was ready to lay all her suffering and burdens down. she did so in the early morning of April 14th. my father and my niece Kayla were with her until the very last few minutes. many times in the hours leading up to her death she told them how much she loved her family members. she thanked my father for the many years he had taken care of her and they were both able to tell each other how much they loved each other. she also was able to comfort my crying niece by telling her, “I’m not afraid”. i know she did this without as much as a whimper or even a trimmer in her voice. there was certainty and resolve. she new where she was going. i witnessed this when i saw Kayla sing at the funeral service. she sang these words, I am not afraid, with certainty and resolve and without a whimper or trimmer.
my family is at peace with this passing. we all looked at my mothers still body and celebrated that she was no longer trapped in the earthly hell of the body that had failed her so early in life.

IN HIS ARMS I’M NOT AFRAID

When I close my eyes in death,
Fold my hands across my chest.
Sing for me a pretty song
While I take my journey home.

CHORUS:
Not afraid to bid this world good-bye.
Not afraid to close my eyes and die.
For His courage I have prayed.
In His arms I’m not afraid.

When I cross that silent sea
And those home lights beckon me.
I’ll feel no pain, I’ll fear no harm.
Safe, secure in Jesus’ arms.

CHORUS:
Not afraid to bid this world good-bye.
Not afraid to close my eyes and die.
For His courage I have prayed.
In His arms I’m not afraid.

good bye chemo hello radiation.
today was my last day for chemo. it was the fourth and final. YAAAAAY! now i just have to get through this little window of minor hell and i’ll be home free. radiation starts at the beginning of the year 08 and should have few to no side effects. i’m lucky. i’ve had it easy compared to many others. i tend not to wear my religion on my sleeve BUT something laid me down so i would look up. i’ve been looking up a lot lately and asking for help. it was truly good for me. there’s more to this and if you want to know just ask. it’s probably TMI for this read (sorry for the late 90’s catch phrase usage)
cheers for now.
k

well, it’s been a ride and i’ve yet to make the journey public BUT i just finished the third or four rounds of chemo for a grade/level 1-2 lymphoma in my left arm pit. what a freaky thing. i responded better than anyone could have wished for. i now have to wrap up the treatment with a fourth treatment on november 30th and follow up with a month or radiation. the tumor started out fairly large (about the size of a small mellon) and a week or so ago the second CAT SCAN showed the remnants about the size of a walnut. this could just be scar tissue but no chances taken. at this point it sounds like the radiation (which usually knocks out the remaining cancer) will be just a back up for me and help to assure the cancer does not come back to that area.
i have to say this has not been nearly as difficult for me as i thought it would be. i’ve been lucky and blessed to have had no real sickness during the whole thing. after each chemo treatment i experienced a lot of hazy thinking and emotional/mental stresses but most of that faded after 5-7 days when the haze lifted and i would be back to somewhat normal. i had to take prednisone for 5 days after each treatment as well. it was the final drug in the treatment called R-CHOP. prednisone is the P in CHOP. duh. so that’s what seemed to cause the haziness but who knows? all i know is i can’t WAIT to go jogging again. it will still be a month or so and i’m not a TRUE jogger but i just want to run for a while and let all of this junk wash over me.
this has been a real test of my abilities to control my emotions. after my stint in guatemala and argentina i thought i would come back and take a “little” while to figure things out and get going again in some sort of design profession or art. i guess it wasn’t my time to “JUMP”. i had to sit back down and think about life and what’s important and where i wanted to go from here. what i think i figured out is the way i was thinking about life was correct and the cancer/time to think set that thinking in stone. i know what i don’t want out of life right now more than i know what i do want out of life. i’ll refrain from making a list of what’s not wanted. you can figure it out if you know i’ve been working for the last 10 yrs in commercial design and all the “professional” stuff that goes along with it. i have to say that i’ve been EXTREMELY fortunate in my career though. i’ve had so much creative freedom. props to myself for being creative and being able to push my creativity to the fore front for others to recognize.
that said, what’s next? anyone need some art or design consultations? color form light void……these are the words i want on my tongue to bring joy to my life and the lives of others. bla bla bla. there ya go.
k

petey when he was a weeeee youngin. ain’t he cute? i think the blonde works honey.
he he he he

IMG_2136.JPG

Originally uploaded by sawyers_kevin

the monkey faced girl